Moonshine at Hogwarts
by Abremaline2
Summary: (dh(au(crossover fic) The cast of Hogwarts perform their version of the movie "Moonstruck." I wrote this a long time ago, for the amusement of a small number of friends.


**Disclaimer;** Not mine. Not the characters and not the plot. I'm just the twisted bitch that thought to combine them.  
**Author;** Well, me! obviously. (Abremaline)  
**Rating;** M (mature) for sexual references.  
**Summary;** slash hp/dm (Parody) (crossover fic) The cast of Hogwarts perform an alcoholic version of 'Moonstruck'.   
**Author's Note;** When Calmardaa and I start these weird conversations, why don't the other people in the chat room stop us? They must know by know what's going to happen. I blame them for this fic.

**Moonshine at Hogwarts  
**

In Napoli where drink is King, when boy meets boy, here's what they say

When the moon hits your eye like a big-a pizza pie  
You're too drunk  
When the world seems to shine cos you've had too much wine  
You're too drunk

Bells'll ring ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling  
And you'll sing "get me drunka"  
Hearts'll play tippi-tippi-tay, tippi-tippi-tay  
Like a gay tarantella (lucky fella)

When the stars make you drool just-a like pasta fazool  
You're too Drunk  
When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet, you're in strife  
When you walk in a dream but you know you're not dreamin', signore  
'scusa me, but you see, back in old Napoli, that's called drunk

Draco looked around trying to find the source of the voice, in the end just spoke to the air. "That is the worst parody ever! The word 'drunk' doesn't even fit the tune."  
The voice replied echoing throughout the streets "Well lyrics were stupid to begin with, doesn't leave a whole lot you can do really."  
The blonde raised an eyebrow, then shrugged "You're probably right, but still, that's not even trying."  
The voice simply poked his tongue out at the boy, then rolled its eyes at it's own stupidity as it remembered it was only a voice "I'm poking tongues at you"  
Draco snickered as he walked on, the bad parody playing the whole way to the funeral home.

"I'm a genius"  
"No, you're a moron, and I'm not doing your income tax. I'm a wizard, I don't do taxes."  
"I make 'em look better dead than they did alive. I'm an artistic genius"  
Draco scowled "You're an idiot who's not listening and has butter on his tie. I am not going to clean that off either." The blonde walked out.  
A couple hours later he stalked into the restaurant still shaking his head at that guy with the rose. "So totally didn't get that."  
Taking his seat across from a daggy looking man, he called out to the waiter "Bobo. Rum no coke"  
An argument on the other side of the restaurant caught both men's attention. Draco laughed; a young woman was yelling at Snape.  
"Now Patricia don't leave"  
"What do you think I am? Some sort of talking doll?"  
Snape looked at her "You are a talking doll. I made you with a potion"  
"Kiss my arse!" She threw a glass of pumpkin juice over him and stormed out.  
Draco couldn't help but grin as Snape stood there looking like an idiot, the pumpkin juice permanently staining his favourite shirt.  
"Waiter. Would you do away with her dinner and any evidence of her and bring me a big glass of vodka?"  
Draco's 'date', Garry began laughing heartily "A man who can't control his woman is funny." The comment earned him a slap across the face from Draco.  
Garry looked at him quizzically, "What do you care? You're a man"  
The blonde glared fiercely "But the author isn't!" he called out "Bobo the check please"  
Garry stopped him "No no, I want to see the dessert cart"  
"You never have dessert!"  
"Well never is a long time"  
Draco raised an eyebrow at the other man, who was giggling like an idiot. "This is going to be a long night." He mumbled to himself.  
Suddenly Garry started running his hand through his hair at a ferocious speed.  
"What's the matter with you?"  
"My scalp is not getting enough blood sometimes."  
Draco raised his eyebrows and scrunched up his nose "Well stop it, looks like you've nits."  
"Have some dessert." Garry indicated to the cart.  
As Draco began to pile his plate up. The waiter stared, then leant forward and whispered, "You're supposed to say 'No I shouldn't'"   
"Someone else is paying! I'm not turning down free dessert."  
The waiter shrugged and moved away leaving the cart behind.  
Draco turned smiled at Garry. Who for no reason suddenly blurted out "Will you marry me?"  
Draco blinked "What? You're not even kneeling."  
Garry knelt on the floor beside Draco. Everyone in the restaurant complained that he was ruining the suit, Draco yelled out "Forget the fucking suit!"  
"Draco Lucius Black Malfoy on my knees, in front of these people, will you marry me?"  
"Where's the ring?'  
Garry looked around, "I-I don't have one"  
"Oh look. Just use you're pinkie ring. You are buying me a bloody expensive engagement ring tomorrow though"  
"I like this ring."  
Draco looked at the ring "No one likes that ring, its ugly. Just do it"  
Garry reluctantly held out the ring.  
"Yes. Yes Garry James Potter. I will marry you, I will be you're husband."  
Bad Italian music drowned out all other noise and Garry sang out "Bobo, the check!"  
Bobo rubbed his hands together in glee as he thought of the extremely large portions of alcohol and desserts that Draco had consumed.  
In the car on the way, errr somewhere, Garry told Draco that he had to go to Sicily to see his dying mother. Draco looked at him confused "She's dying again?"  
Garry simply shrugged "We have to stick to the original script a little bit."

The noisy crowds bustled around the airport (so that's where they must have been going!)  
Draco stood nervously in front of Garry "I want ya to call me when ya get in"  
"I'll call you when I get to my mother's house."  
"You've made me very happy." Draco nearly choked on his own words. "I can't believe I'm saying this shit."  
Garry ignored the last comment and proceeded with the script. "Listen, about this wedding there's one thing I want you to do. I want you call this number, it's a business number." He handed over a business card "Ask for Harry and invite him to the wedding."  
Draco looked at the card "Yeah, who is he?"  
"He's my younger brother."  
The blonde was stunned "You've got a brother?"  
"You went to school with him" Garry shook his head at Draco's stupidity. "There was some bad blood, we haven't spoken in five years, I-I-I want you to call him and invite him to the wedding. Will you do it?"  
"Yeah, yeah of course I will." Draco then added sarcastically "Anything you say oh master"  
As the plane was taking off, Draco looked bored at the old the old woman standing next to him.  
"You got someone on that plane? My sister's on that plane. I put a curse on that plane"  
"Well let's hope it's effective, that guy is a complete git! No idea why I agreed to marry him."  
The blonde angrily apparated to a botte shop with a really sickly sweet name.  
The elderly couple behind the counter were having an argument, delighting in the pain of others Draco stopped and listened.  
"So how do I look at her?"  
"Like a penguin."  
The old man looked at his wife sceptically "How would you know? You never seen a penguin in you're life?"  
"I see a penguin in every man and I see a penguin in you  
"You know what I see?"  
"What?" The woman replied angrily.  
"The sister of the girl I should have married"  
Draco smiled happily to himself as he walked home with his champagne. He'd had more than enough of the soppiness.  
He stopped out front of his house, and rubbed his head, he had a headache from that bad Italian music that had been playing the whole way home, wondering why he hadn't just apparated instead. He stared in confusion (and anger) at his house, "What the fuck happened to Malfoy Manor? It shrunk!" He sighed and went in, figuring it would have something to do with 'sticking to original'.  
Owls flew at his head, trying to peck his eyes out, there must have been about ten of them. A voice (Draco couldn't see because of all the owls) called down the stairs to the owls, calling them off.  
Draco looked up almost thankfully "Ciao, Dumbledore. If you don't get those owls out of my house, they'll become tomorrow night's roast"  
Dumbledore grumbled something in Italian that Draco couldn't understand, and then disappeared. Taking his owls with him.  
More bad music was emanating from the lounge room. Draco groaned, took out his wand and cast a spell to blow the record player to pieces. He loved explosions.  
Lucius was sitting on the couch.  
"Where's ma?"  
"I don't know, Dead?"  
Draco sighed, not this again "Why aren't you asleep?"  
Lucius (who seemed to be in a totally uncharacteristically depressive mood) replied "I don't know feels too much like death"  
On the way through to the kitchen Lucius whined more about old age and death. Draco was close to solving the problem by the time he got to open his champagne.  
"Pop. I'm getting married"  
"What for? You've already been married, it didn't work out"  
"The guy died" The blonde looked at the author a moment "Is everyone dying? Merlin, how depressing"  
Lucius looked at his son, "Who's the man?"  
"Garry Potter"  
"Garry Potter?" Lucius chuckled "The guy is big baby! And why isn't he here to tell me?"  
"Because he flew to Sicily, his mother is dying."  
"Again?"  
Draco shrugged, "That's what I said."  
"Where's the ring?"   
Draco held out his hand.  
"That's a pinkie ring!"  
"Oh, don't worry, he is buying me a bloody expensive one when he gets back from Sicily"  
"Good. Lets go tell ya mother."  
When they woke Narcissa up the first thing she said was "Who's dead?"  
Draco answered before his father had a chance to "Everyone apparently. I'm getting married."  
"Do ya love him?"  
"No."  
Narcissa hugged him "I'm so proud of you."

Morning shone horribly bright as Dumbledore walked up the street, owls attached to leads fluttering above his head. They chirped merrily as the old man walked through the cemetery gates. (Where else would he be going?)  
In place of any kind of religious sermon, several old men stood around gossiping over the freshly dug grave. No one could really understand much of what they were saying, because most of it was in Italian. What could be understood though, was "La Luna" which means moon, and "Brings the man to the woman."  
Most people assumed from this that they were talking about some special type of full moon. Had they understood Italian however, than they would have known that the conversation was actually about moonshine (illegally made alcohol). It had nothing to do with the moon at all, and everything to with "When a man's drunk he'll sleep with anything."  
Not that it really matters, because it was a totally useless scene anyway. So we'll just go back to the house where Narcissa is cooking some weird thing involving eggs fried the centre of a hole in bread.  
They were in the middle of a really annoying conversation about selling the house, (all just because Draco and Garry weren't going to live there.) When (thankfully) the phone rang.  
It was Garry. After a rather long rant at the operator about Garry's having called reverse charges, Draco finally accepted the call.  
"You call collect! Do you think we're rich?"  
Garry strangled pained voice came done the line "You are"  
"Well that's not the point. You don't just waste money!"  
Eventually Draco managed to get him off the phone.  
Narcissa asked, "How's his mother?"  
"Still dying" was Draco's response.  
"I thought she was already dead."  
Draco shrugged "So did I."  
He finished off his weird egg in bread thing and then picked up the telephone.  
Narcissa's voice pulled him to a stop "Now who ya ringing? You're paying the bill"  
At the end of yet another conversation that the author can't be bothered to type, Draco yelled at the receiver "Animal!"

Never being the type to give up. (Well he was, just he didn't this time) Draco walked to the bakery. Bad Italian music playing again. He looked towards the sky "If you don't stop that music, I'll put you under cruciatus!"  
The voice echoed across the streets once more, "Find me." The music played on.  
"Why am I walking everywhere anyway, I can apparate?"  
The voice answered him, "Because it's part of the original movie." Then it began to hum along with the music.  
Draco was thankful as he walked into the 'not too clean looking' bakery. The girl behind the counter looked a bit dim to Draco, but there was no one else there. "I'm looking for Harry Potter."  
Luna (that was the dimwit's name), turned up her nose at Draco, did a whole 'stuck-up' type routine, before finally responding in a very snarky type voice, "Down at the ovens, what do you want?"  
"I want to talk to him. Duh." (God this girl really is stupid)  
Draco followed the girl, outside and around the back to where the ovens were. No one was left in the open shop that Draco could see and he sincerely hoped they got burgled.   
He had to cover his ears as she yelled over the noise "Harry! You got a visitor."  
Draco explained that he was there on behalf of Harry's brother Garry.  
Harry looked offended "Why didn't Garry come himself?"  
"He's in Palermo, ya mother's dying."  
"Again? I thought she died years ago."  
"Yeah, well, she's dying again." Draco shrugged, "Anyway, we're getting married. I came because Garry wants you at the wedding."  
For no reason that Draco could see Harry suddenly went into this whole spiel about how "Garry has his." Followed by "What is life? They say bread is life, and I bake bread, bread, bread and I sweat, and shovel dough in and out of this stinkin' hot whole in the wall!"  
Harry looked over at Luna, "Over by the wall, bring me the big knife" Harry paused for effect "Bring me the big knife, I'm gonna slit my throat"  
Luna stomped her foot as tears began to form in her eyes. She looked like a five year old "I tell ya I won't do it."  
Draco, who was thankful he had never bought bread from this particular bakery (and was wondering how they managed to get all that sweat in bread past the Health Department) looked at him, "You're one of the most powerful wizards in the world, and that's the best way you can think of to kill yourself? Kinda like that whole Sirius killed by a 'curtain' deal isn't it?"  
Apparently Harry was still very sensitive about Sirius' death, because he resorted to the old "Fuck you Malfoy." Before he remembered he was supposed to in character and returned to his macho style rant. "Do you know about me?"  
Luna mumbled out "Oh Mister Potter."  
Draco looked at Luna like she was a total loon (Had to do. I'm so sorry). Then answered Harry's question. "Yes, I went to school with you."  
Pretending that Draco had said no, Harry explained that five years ago when we all thought he was still at Hogwarts, fighting Voldemort. (shrug must have been school holidays) Garry had come to the bakery and ordered some bread. Harry had been at the slicer when Garry told him that he was his older brother, they had been separated when their parents died (the first time). Harry, shocked, had turned around. As he did so his hand got caught in the slicer. Pomfrey had been able to grow it back, but it had still really hurt.  
When he had told Ron, who he had been engaged to (at Fifteen!) Ron had dumped him for another man. Goyle.  
Draco had looked at him with one eyebrow raised, "That's not Garry's fault."  
Harry pulled out his wand and used it to blow up a tin of flour.  
Draco smiled to himself (He loved explosions).  
Harry was red in the face, he held up his left hand and pointed at it, with his right. "I don't care! I lost my hand! Garry has hand, Garry has his pride."  
"You have your hand. They grew it back."  
Harry sulked a bit "It still fucking hurt!"  
Draco groaned as Harry began a depressive talk about losing his dream. He felt like hexing 'the boy who lived' as the depressive talk went on, and on.  
Somewhere in amongst all this, Luna did a Shakespeare type speech that basically only really meant that she loved Harry, but he'd never know that. Of course he did know, he just chose to ignore the fact, based on the fact that he was gay and that she was, well…a loon.  
"Listen. Is there somewhere we can talk?" Draco realised that was the only way he was going to end this badly written drama scene, (made worse in parody format).  
On the wall of Harry's apartment was a painting of a monster truck, a record played in the background. "Crush, splash, 'ah my leg' crunch, vroom. Zoom. 'DUCK!'" It was "the sounds of Rally Crashes". (Well can you imagine Harry Potter listening to opera?)  
Harry turned off the record player, so that he could hear what the blonde was saying. He then cut his steak awkwardly with one hand, even though his other one was sitting on the table, quite happy and non-detached.  
A peaceful conversation began between the two. Harry asked what had happened to Draco's first husband (I should have explained that earlier, oh well). Draco explained that the first husband had died (does anyone live?)  
"How did he die?" Harry asked with a mouth full of food.  
"He was hit by bus" (That's what it is in the movie! Don't blame me for that.)  
The conversation went along like that for quite awhile (Cheerful movie wasn't it?)  
Draco was impatient for this bad parody to end. "So five years ago, you lost your hand and your fiancée. Had a woman since then?"  
"No"  
"Stupid"  
"When did your husband die?" Harry was still talking with raw steak in his mouth, still eating with one hand.  
"Seven years ago" (13! I really should have thought more about their ages. I just didn't like the idea of them being in their 30's as per the movie.)  
Harry cut in through the author's stupid babble. "Other than Garry, Had a man since then?"  
"No" Draco looked quizzically at the author he had actually had several.  
"Stupid" Harry replied.  
"I need a drink" Draco was exasperated "How about you give me a glass of Whiskey?" (Again, seriously that's how they did it in the movie. Not my doing.)  
A half a bottle later…  
Draco was beginning to feel the build up of alcohol in his system (well he had been drinking pretty much 3 days straight at this point). "You can't see what you are, and I see everything. You're a penguin."   
Harry came to the conclusion that all the 'death-eater training' must have affected the blonde Slytherin mentally. "I'm a penguin?"  
"Yeah" Draco slurred, "The big part of you has no words, and it's a penguin. Ron was a plastic package for you, he caught you and you couldn't get away, so you chewed off your own wing." The blonde nodded to emphasize his point. "That was price you had to pay for your freedom. Garry had nothing to do with it, and now, now you're afraid cos you know that the big part of you is a penguin, that has the courage to bite off it's own wing to save itself from plastic packaging."  
Harry decided that since Draco was so profoundly drunk now would be the best time to ask, "Why are you marrying Garry?"  
"Because I need to marry someone to get my inheritance."  
Harry shook head at such stupid logic, "He made me look the wrong way and I lost a hand. You could lose you're head!"  
"I'm looking where I have to, to become a groom."  
"A groom without a head." Harry stood up, kicking his chair away.  
"A penguin without a wing!" Draco yelled angrily.  
Harry used his wand to blow up the small round table that was between them.  
Draco sat, stunned at the action. But still enjoying the explosion anyway. (He really did love explosions.)  
Harry stood, and ran his hand through his hair. It got caught in the tangles and he trouble getting it out again. When he did though, He slowly walked over to where Draco was sitting, grabbed him by the shoulders, pulled him to feet and kissed him angrily and deeply.  
It took Draco a while to react (Because of all the alcohol), When what was happening sunk in he pulled back. "Wait a minute, Wait a minute!" Then he wrapped his arms around Harry's shoulders properly, and kissed back, as only a Malfoy can.  
Harry tried to pick Draco up, to carry him off, but he almost fell from the weight (They are about the same size). When that didn't work, Harry used a spell to float Draco instead.  
"Where are taking me?" Draco was a bit worried about being floated around like luggage.  
"To the bed."  
"Oh. Good, about time." Draco grinned as he was floated down the hall, 'Sounds of Rally Crashes' playing in background.  
Harry guided him to the bed and placed him softly, leant forward and kissed Draco's neck, then his chest. "What about Garry?"  
"Garry's ugly." He grabbed the brunette and pulled him down.  
They both moaned as Harry sucked on Draco's neck.  
We are left to assume that there was a really great sex scene here, but we'll never know. This is because, as per the movie we all looked at a painting instead (two monster trucks in the snow). The moaning, whispers and other sex sounds could be heard over the 'Rally Crashes' record. (Who turned that back on anyway? Must have been Peeves.)  
Anyway apparently the director of the original film had enough of staring at the boring painting (I know I had), because we they cut away to a totally unimportant dinner scene back at Malfoy 'house' (not manor). Everybody is sitting around the table, Narcissa, Lucius, Dumbledore, Narcissa's brother (Lupin) and his wife (McGonagall). (This being more fascinating than the sex scene apparently! I don't get the logic there).  
Dumbledore walked over to giant cage in the corner and put his plate inside. The owls happily devoured it's contents.  
McGonagall sighed and said to Narcissa, "Dumbledore's going to need another plate."   
Narcissa quietly got a fresh plate of whatever it was they were eating.  
Across the table Lupin was reminiscing.  
"Never seen anyone so in love as Lucius was back then, he used to stand outside Narcissa's window for hours" Lupin waved his fork around as he talked.  
McGonagall interrupted him, "He was only out there, because Narcissa stole his still and he needed it to make the moonshine!"  
Lupin went on as though she hadn't said a word, "One time I woke up in the middle of the night, this bright light. It was the moon, as big as this house." Lupin was still waving his fork around, sending food flying everywhere. "As I howled at it, I got mad at you Lucius, because I thought you had sent this big moon over, just to torture me."  
"Yes" Lucius hissed, "I can control the movements of the moon"  
"See! He admits it."  
"It was moonSHINE, you fool"  
Dumbledore meandered back over to his owls, plate in his hand. Just as he was about to hand the plate over to them, "Old man. You give those owls another piece of my food."

Later; Dumbledore is walking out of the house, owls on leads fluttering above his head once more as the voiceover hummed its bad Dean Martin Parody.

"When the moon hits your eye like a big-a pizza pie  
You're too drunk  
When the world seems to shine cos you've had too much wine  
You're too drunk"

Dumbledore stopped at the riverside. Glanced up at the moon, then removed from his jacket a giant size bottle of 'Lucius' Moonshine'. He stared blissfully at the bottle, as his owls hooted at it.  
On the other side of town, another couple, (that was at the start somewhere) are also looking lovingly at a large bottle of 'Lucius' Moonshine' (I gotta try this stuff!)  
Over in a much shittier area of town, in a really grungy looking apartment. Harry is standing behind Draco, arms wrapped around the blonde as they look romantically at a huge bottle of Moonshine. (Sex scene apparently over…and we saw none of it. Bastards!)  
The next any of us saw of either Harry or Draco was the next morning. (Ripped off. I want the sex scene! Why the hell would I want to look at a bad painting of two trucks, when there is a really hot sex scene going on?)  
Draco rolled his eyes and Harry absently rubbed his scar while they waited for the author to finish her rant. She looked the characters "Well. It was annoying."  
"Are we right to go on now? Do you mind? We won't be interrupting you at all?" Draco asked sarcastically.  
Everybody waited a bit longer while Harry, took some paracetamol for the scar-induced headache. (though personally I think the headache was from drinking all that moonshine.)  
"Okay" he said walking back to the doorway where the next scene begins.  
"No one needs to go to the toilet?" Draco glared at everybody, then pointed his wand at one person who was beginning to stand, "Don't even think about it!"  
Both boys took a deep breath as they got back into character.  
Harry looked pleadingly at Draco, "Can I see you again?"  
Draco wanted to yes, he wanted to scream it, but that wasn't part of the script. So he pretended to be all 'freaked out', "No, I'm marrying Garry! Don't come to wedding either."  
Harry slit his eyes in annoyance, "I'm going to the wedding."  
"No, your not."  
"Yes. I am!"  
"Don't." Draco was wondering how they were going to get a full catholic wedding anyway, gay marriages still being illegal.  
"Alright look." Harry had a scheme of some kind in mind, Draco could tell. "I love two things, I love you and I love Monster Truck Rally's. If I could have the two things I love most together for just one night, then my life would be complete. If you do this one thing for me, then I'll never bother you again."  
Draco, figuring that sex at a Monster Truck Rally, could be really good, agreed, then cheerfully left. Bad Italian music playing while he walked.  
Because the Malfoy's are not catholic, instead of going to confession, the blonde went to pub instead and told his sins to the barman, who was very impressed. He was giving pick up tips to the aforementioned barman when he noticed his mother was also in the bar. The blonde sauntered over and took a seat next to her. "What are you doing here?"  
"Your father's cheating."  
"He's been seeing other women my entire life it never bothered you before. How do you know anyway?"  
"A woman knows."  
"So he told you then?"  
After leaving the bar, Draco went to have his hair done, so he could look good for the Monster Truck Rally that night.  
"I want you take the grey out."  
The hairdresser stared at him, "What grey? You're twenty!"  
"I just want to be certain. Do it!"  
He had his nails done (men have their nails done…they do.) and bought a new outfit (not a red though). When he met Harry out front of the Monster Truck Rally, Draco Malfoy looked stunning. So did Harry. Both wearing new outfits, trying to impress each other.  
While they stared nervously at each other, the author wandered off to get another cup of coffee, she was getting bored with this story now, and it was taking a whole lot longer than she ever intended it to. One Thousand words had been the original plan…you can see how well that went.  
Harry extended his hand to Draco. "Go in?"  
Draco took Harry's arm, and they made their way over the muddied field, to find a seat, as close to front as they could find. The blonde happened to look over as they were making their way through the crowds. "That bastard! He's here with another woman." Draco glared angrily at his father and Umbridge (the other woman), "That is not my mother!" He stomped his foot, "Dammit. Where's my gift?"  
Harry looked confused. "Gift? What?"  
"Yes, my gift. The sure sign of 'I'm cheating on your mum, make sure you don't walk in on us.'"  
"Oh. That gift." Harry pretended to know what the Slytherin was on about. "Just forget it for now, okay. Let's just enjoy our night."  
The blonde huffed, but continued to make his way through to the front anyway.  
The Rally was just beautiful. Lots of crashes (which Harry loved.) some explosions (which Draco loved), and an extremely serious injury (which they both loved).  
While Harry, Draco, Lucius and Umbridge were all at the Rally, Narcissa was at Bobo's restaurant. While waiting for her cocktail to arrive (Mochatini? Something like that), she watched a couple several tables from her. Snape was there with a younger woman (different one)  
She was yelling loudly at Snape, to which he replied, "I think you like to roll around in mud and I don't, that's embarrassing..."  
The girl threw a glass of pumpkin juice over him and walked out of the restaurant.  
The juice causing yet another stain on his shirt, Snape addressed the other diners "Sorry about that folks, she's a very pretty mental patient."  
Narcissa believed him, it would be just like Snape to date a mental patient.  
"No no don't worry about me." Snape told the waiter, "Just clear her place, get rid of all evidence of her and bring me a big glass of Vodka." (more drinking…no wonder everybody's dying! Their livers must be shot to hell.)  
Narcissa invited him over to eat with her, (it looked better than alone.)   
Over at the Monster Truck Rally Harry and Draco, were getting very drunk and having a lot of fun making Lucius feel guilty about not having bought Draco his 'I'm cheating on your mum don't walk in on us' present.'  
Snape, being a gentleman walked Narcissa home to Malfoy 'house', bad Italian music playing while they walked. They were nearly at the door when ran into Dumbledore who was babbling about his big bottle of moonshine. He was on his way, umm…somewhere, owls on leads fluttering above head. The old man assumed Narcissa was cheating and mumbled something in Italian about not being more careful (condoms?)  
(Sounding a bit rushed? That is because the Author wants the end of this increasingly stupid and overly long story. sighs happily)  
Okay so I'll just kind of summarize the end, how's that? (well you don't really get a choice) Here goes.  
Lucius dumped Umbridge (that pen, in bed? Ouch! Major fucking ouch!)  
Draco tells his mother about Harry. She does the whole "Do you love him?" bit again, to which Draco says, "Ma, I love awful."  
"You idiot! What kind of marriage are you trying to set up here?"  
They all freak out about Garry's having come back from Italy, with the news his mother was no longer dying. A fact that shocked McGonagall who was in the room when Garry came back "Didn't she die years ago?"  
"It was a miracle." Narcissa smirked.  
Garry can no longer marry Draco, because his mother didn't approve of the match.  
"Here then, take this awful ring back then. Damn ugly thing." Draco was really glad to be rid of it.  
Then, Harry who couldn't care less what his mother thought, (She was alive all this time, and he had to live with the Dursley's…why would he care?). Proposed to Draco instead.  
"Where's the ring."  
Harry didn't have a ring, so he borrowed Garry's pinkie ring.  
"Not that again." Draco complained, "It's ugly!" He accepted it anyway.  
They all got drunk on Moonshine and lived drunkenly ever after. (At least, until they died that is. Which in this movie, well…)  
The excruciatingly bad Dean Martin parody plays over the closing credits.

When the moon hits your eye like a big-a pizza pie  
You're too drunk  
When the world seems to shine cos you've had too much wine  
You're too drunk

The End!


End file.
